POLITICS & RELIGION

America is a dead country walking because conservative politics is literally inseparable from religion.

The day was Friday, June 6th, 2014. 6:00 p.m. Pacific time, to be precise. Which might seem oddly specific.

I had just finished watching All In With Chris Hayes on MSNBC, featuring a story on alternative energy in the heartland. He’d interviewed Bob Dixson, the Republican mayor of Greensburg, Kansas regarding wind turbines:

Your first impression in rural America was, oh, that is something that is political. That’s left-wing. That’s new age. That’s secular stuff.

Let that roll around in your head for awhile. I’ll wait.

…

Humor | Satire | James Bond

I thought about Sebastian Gorka today.

If you don’t know, he was a Trump advisor and everything you’d want in a We Have The Best People: shady past, probably fake credentials, and accent, total wackjob policy-wise. A Best People for sure.

But his crowning achievement came in an interview with Sean Hannity after the 2016 election.

“The message I have is a very simple one, it’s a bumper sticker: the era of the Pajama Boy is over January 20th and the Alpha Males are back.”

Hells yeah. We need more Alpha Males.

The term comes from wolves, and wolves are…

Contemplations

Yesterday was an off day. Not end of the world bad, just…off. But it ended well, with pizza, wine, and good fun.

Then midnight rolled around and I decided to get stupid.

I’d baked a red velvet cake the day before and there were a few slices left, so I took one. Then I noticed there was half a glass of red wine in the bottom of the bottle. It had been pretty good and would be stale by the next day, which wouldn’t do at all. So I took that, too.

“Hey,” my…thinking?…apparently went, “after a long day and…

Extinction

I just read an article reporting that sperm counts in men worldwide are dropping like a stone, and within a few decades humans may require medical intervention to reproduce. The study attributed some of the cause to chemicals in the environment, which may be true but is not the real problem.

Screw everything the scientists are telling you, the only thing that makes sense is Mother Nature is finally tired of us and wants us gone.

And who could blame Her? As far as being stewards of the Earth, we suck. We can’t have nice things. She buried liquid dead…

Humor | Politics

I wonder if we could define “moderate” as someone who just feels comfortable kink-shaming Jerry Falwell.

So 2020 was a weird year. We sat inside a lot, famous celebrities died, and people stopped wearing pants to business meetings. We learned that toilet paper shortages aren’t due to hoarding, and it’s possible for too many people to try to bake bread at the same time.

If like me you chalk this January up as an honorary 2020 month, you also have hipsters singing sea shanties and Orange Julius Caesar urging his goons to end American democracy.

Lots going on, and yes…

Humor

Dear Duolingo,

Are you OK?

I know we haven’t spent much time together lately, and I’m sorry. È colpa mia. Davvero. It is my fault. Truly.

That being said, you scared me last night.

I remember when we first met, how we said we’d spend lots of time together. I’d always wanted to learn Italian, but language learning is hard. You agreed, but said you could make it fun. I was smitten.

Like all new loves, it was glorious. You asked simple questions, I got the right answers. Mostly. Of course my goal for daily practice was ambitious, I was…

Humor

Dear Glorious Leader,

I wanted to send a note to you before you saw it on the news and got the wrong idea.

So, on Friday I took that duffle bag bomb and drove to the church you wanted blown up. You never did say why, but hey, not my job to ask, right? It’s why you make the big money.

But there was a little glitch.

Remember I told you about my crazy cat lady neighbor? …

Politics | Humor

The years go by and you get too cynical to be an optimist, but when your eyes drift rightward you see a clownshow.

The problem is, I never wanted to be a liberal for life.

My father always said that a young conservative has no heart and an old liberal has no brain. His assumption was the left is a bunch of wooly-headed idealists out to save the world, but as you age you become practical and give up tilting at windmills.

And I was looking forward to it, frankly. I get the appeal of being a cranky old Republican…