The Grumpy Old Guy has an ant problem — I hate ants in the house. The woman to whom I am related by marriage is a Southern California native, and we lived there for a while before decamping to the Pacific Northwest. Every return visit reminds me how much I hate those six-legged assholes. To experience a real-world bug’s…

Supreme Court forced to weigh in again on president’s 2028 bid — September 25th, 2027 The discovery of Donald Trump’s corpse in the White House basement temporarily threw a monkey wrench into his 2028 campaign. He’d already cleared one significant hurdle. In 2024, the GOP swept the House, Senate, and White House. …

Story of prophecy, murder, and incest proves irresistible to viewers — There once lived a man named Oedipus Rex, You may have heard about his odd complex. His name appears in Freud’s index ’Cause he loved his mother. ~ Tom Lehrer Sometimes you just can’t outrun your fate. Or your mom. Summer TV isn’t known for depth, so a year ago…

I don’t want a garage sale, I need one — Autumn is here, when leaves and temperatures fall, and your friends’ annoying football obsessions rise. Winter, as they say, is coming. Food will be scarce, so it’s time to stock up. I have needs. Specifically, I need to buy a wine glass for a dollar. Which means you have to…

Can any possibility be discounted? — I’ve seen a photo of peak American nadir. I’ve inserted some space to increase the anticipation. I don’t know if it’s fake, which is possible because it is too perfect in its grotesque imperfection. But also totally plausible. It’s from Twitter, and titled “Interesting hand placement.” I’m curious to know…

And if you don’t pay up, he’s coming for more than your kneecaps — Before I was a Grumpy Old Guy, I was a Cynical Young Boy, and I remember being confused by a bumper sticker that was on about every third car: Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven Coming from a non-God-bothering family, I wasn’t wise to the racket. So I tried to take…

Current Supreme Being accused of usurpation, neglect, poor record on women’s and LGBT issues — Lawyers for the Roman Pantheon of Gods filed suit against Christianity today, seeking to regain authority over all Earthly affairs. Lead Counsel Cicero claims Jesus “usurped” the position during a time of legal troubles for King of the Gods Jupiter and his family. “The early part of the millennium was…

I feel ignored — the right won’t get mad at me no matter what I do! — I need my fellow conservatives to respect me — stop pretending what I do is OK! Nobody understands how hard it is to be a conservative man these days. All the junk about “privilege” makes it sound like we got a road paved with gold. But you know what privilege…

I’m just not sure it was the right thing to do — Leveling charges of racism is not my normal behavior. Now I’m having one of those “Am I The Asshole?” moments. Please leave a comment, I’m curious to know your opinion. To be clear, it was a guy I’ve dealt with before, and I don’t believe he has equality in his…