Duolingo was not adequate preparation — As an immigrant, I expected to struggle with aspects of your language and culture. But it’s become too weird. Why is it open season on the male esophagus? Many people — almost entirely men — insist they hate having anything “shoved down their throats.” I am confused by this. …

Drunk and horny is the universal constant — “Who’s the babe?” my tablemate asked. He gestured with his empty beer bottle — the most recent of eight — at the woman I’d been chatting with at the bar. “That’s Dr. Bambi McKinnon. She taught that physics class I took in the fall.” “Bambi with an ‘i’?” I immediately…

Now the bathroom scale is paying the price — I’m fat. I could beat around the bush, but advancing age is eroding my filters. My crop of fucks to give is like a winery — the older the vine, the lower the yield. The flavor is more concentrated, however, so do tread carefully. Some of it is genetics. My…

Hockey’s “Pride Nights” meet with resistance — I suspect the intersection of hockey fans and the An Injustice! community may consist of exactly me. But over the last decade, the National Hockey League has made steps toward inclusion. This includes “Pride Nights,” in which players wear LGBTQ-themed gear during warmups. Is it noble, or only that people…

Why can’t I just go to sleep now? — Ladies, we need to talk about your…you know, that one thing… This is a little embarrassing. It’s hard to find the right words — which is appropriate, given our poor track record of finding what I’m trying to avoid talking about. The problem is, I’ve been reading too many sex…

They need to add this one weird trick to the definition — Here’s an old comedy bit my father loved: A convict was spending his first night in prison. After lights out, he heard an inmate say, “Number 23!” The others laughed uproariously. Another said, “Number 17!” and they all laughed again. His cellmate noticed his confusion. “We’ve told all the jokes…

Their problem is demographics, and there’s nothing to be done about that — Rule #1 for understanding MAGA: Nothing they say can be found in a dictionary I read a Facebook post this morning. Well-said and possibly well-meaning, but disconnected from reality: Liberals should realize that every time they come up with what they think is a clever play with words, it just…

DIY burials and you — It may soon be possible for Washington State residents to bury family members on their property, but I have some concerns. Let me express them calmly and rationally. Have you people lost your effing minds? I know there will be rules and regulations, but life never goes to plan. A…

The Elonosphere gives Reason the bird — Social media and I should divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable differences. To be fair, I’m handicapped in any social situation — I’m a mathematician. It was a great conversation stopper at college parties: Keg Guy: Hey dude, have a beer. Me: Thanks. Keg Guy: What’s your major? Me: Math. …